| Monday, August 1st, 2005 |
| 8:56 pm |
hey love a reply where top start is there an end. whas there a begining. is it a circle with neither a sart or a finesh. why do we as people alow this life to become so unindurable. what is it about the human condition that leads to such pain and missery. when the future is all the more foggy we grasp ahold of that witch we know. the past and never let it go. and the less we understand where we are going the more we hold tight to the past. till it is iether all of who we are and the warped perseption of what it was or it is wrench unseriouminusly from us leaving a void of pain and a felling of being lost. i dont understand all things siad or unsaid and i realise it was more of a thought process revealed to me. of this a am greatfull to se and know your thoughts and fears. what i whant out of life is simlpe. in everything that i have done thought or seen there is only onew thing i whant more than anything else in life a family to call my own. to stay home take care of kids teach . and on sundays take care of God's kids. nothing else do i whant. from you all i what is time. the one thing you might not be able tyo give. i enjoy who you are and what you are. and es to me 2 difernt things. in so many things i am finite. but in so many things you are the opposit at least with words. things i know. i love you , i whant to bring joy to your life, i love your kids, i what them to have a sable life with with love, and i am saposed to stand in a pulpit on subdays. i know time is what you dont have and love is an elsive thing that some days caries hope and others caires pain. i am not going to chance your worls or mine but i do hope t make it happyer. so the newnes of or relationshp has endded and the long hual begins. if we whant to we will make it. why is life so hard and difficult. time will tell all things i love you |
| Friday, April 22nd, 2005 |
| 1:01 am |
sorry about this strangle thouht. i have been recently asked to speek in the futre on a panle discussing the role of religion in moddern littrerary thought. and this has truly gpt me thinking. i was currently delving into steavinent bennet. love him wonderfull stuff. but i begsan to analizi it from a religious perspective. iand i have come to some interesting thoughts . the main thought being why or who is the percived cause of or failings. and trew this thought i have searched greater litterary woks in this search. to date i have come to belive the most of the moddern litteray wrtiters have blamed man for our down falls or short commings. bennet's works are interesting in there proces. one of his most well know writtings is about a newenglander who in whishing for a better life sells jis soul to the devile and has to get a great man of the area to plead his case to the devil. oddly enuff thouth there is great mention of evil supernatual forces there is no metion of the opposite. in fact threw most of his wrightings he not only atruibutes the downfall but also the sucsess of man threw our own empowerment. though he does belive that we are the masters of our fate. theree is not miss understanding that there is a god. ot is almost like it is a given and it need not be disputed so he travles onto the next thing. in fact it allmost seams to say that yes there is a god but we (humans) either destroy his works or ruin it by being human representaives of god. the curiods thing that i have found is that one of the few places that blame of current conditions in prose poetry or theology happens to be found in juedeo christian circles. we (i say we becuse i belong to this area of life) seem to be all to able to lay the bame at gods feet forgeting our own public standings to the contrary. not only is this a contraydicodommy but also searves to fdeaply undermine outr position in the world. i will be among the fisrt to say that religion has been curopted by mankind and used to do the most hanes of criomes in the past present and future. of this i am greatly saddened. but as to the topic. i have found no instance to date that tells or protratys the writer has been unafected by religion. where to speak oput aginst it to pray to wish to hope to ask to love to live or to die all seems to be afffected but religion. it is as if our minds can not fathom a world without religion. i belive plato said everything that we think of is but a shadow of what allready is. it has also been said thatr we can only creat( or shall we say know) what is allready there. it is imposible to know of the lack of god. in the same respect if i am looking to disprove a being or beings how id the idea get to me how can i concive of it. must there fisrt be something there to be able to disprove it and if it does not exsist why do i need to disprove it. or how can i even have to idea to disprove it. |
| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005 |
| 1:51 am |
why is it that in life people fill there conversations with words they whant to hear. i mean how often do people realy hear what you say. i do my best to mean exacly what i have said. and for the most part i cvan be in a crowded room and talk to one person without the rest of the group know what the hell i am talking about. all you have to do is follow exacly what i say not fill in the gapes whit what it meens. peoples minds just canty handle things they think if i understand this then everyone else must understdn it to. oh no my seacrets are out. why cant they see further then there own nose. no there problems are not more important then anyone elses no matter how more or less drastic they may seem. where it is life theratening or bad hair day to each person it is horible all realitve to the peroson. yes some of it is trie and some of it is meaningless. but to them it is the end of the world. and no matter how friviluos the reson there fealings are valid and must be adressed as such. but on subcect, people poen your wears and listen dont asume you kow twhat the person is saying or meeans listen to every word. and takeing for face value and in context. it is not hard just takes dilligance. if only we would do this there might be a little more understanding in the wortld. and maybe a little less hotility. so listen and hear dont asume dont fill take it at what it is not at what is or might be behind it |
| Friday, April 1st, 2005 |
| 12:24 am |
been a long week ok a long 2 or three weeks. but threw it all one thought has held me. i can experiance no darker day then my lord when he hung on the cross he has been there and knows what i go threw. i am not alone. he is my streaght my rock my redeamer. i now where my lable on my wrist for the world to see but it seems the world is juat as oblivius as they ever where. do not forsake me world i am your child dlivered unto god. no thought or deed will make me frosacke or forget you. forever will i forgive and froever will i break the chains that bind me. |
| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005 |
| 1:10 am |
this day like so many others has been full of dtrife and lonlyness. i still do not know what is beetter to know the pain or to have it undefined. but i do know that i have been blessed this week spirtualy. i have grown. whached others grow and help god hased moved me threw me and saround me in so many ways i still am shoked. the next generation is well the rest of us just need to stay our strait and narrow path. be ever aware of our nature and that inly threw god can it be concured. |
| Thursday, March 17th, 2005 |
| 12:04 am |
as gaze yet agin into the deapth of life that has been gre=anted me i wonder what i am and who i will become. will the pain ease my mind into slow oblivian or cursed will i be with a live and rapid mind but nothing to back it up. why do we fool ourselves in this life time i meen to know what we should be doing or not doing but to do everything to stay where we are because of some lofty premis or some self inflicked missery and newver realy grasp at the things that are given to us as gifts. to have loved and throw it all away how dumb am i |
| Tuesday, March 15th, 2005 |
| 9:14 pm |
to love and let all fall away. truly i must be dead in heart and mind. i find that i am dead in body also. we are all dieing just some sonner then others. i happen to be soner. what it is like to know that ones on loife is inamently down hill. is my life any less important then any onether do i burn brghter or liess am i smaller then the rest or are all of us the same sise just some of us melt fatter. i am dead and then i am born agin see you soon |
| Saturday, March 12th, 2005 |
| 6:57 am |
there are times that i just whant to give up and cast everything to the wind then something like last night happens. i was at youth groupe and was chalanged in my aproch and thinking about how things are run but that is not what made me think. yes it was interesting but not what i am talking about. afterwerds and a little durringf 2 of the yoth showed great machuity in thought and emotion as they conversed with me about there lives and walk in god. it is for these moments that make it all worth while |
| Saturday, March 5th, 2005 |
| 2:46 pm |
pain
this day this week this year this life has been defined by pain. by sufering and by hatred. i do not hate god but i do loath man. i have seen and witnessed so much pain and suffering that i have contempt for all who look atr them sevls and see the world. what pitty i have for you what seathing thoughts of malitius pain do i have for you if the most important thing you have in your life is a mirror. i do not pretend or hold back my jugment. i know where i stand i know my own follies and do not deam them any better or wores then others. but all those who look at an aids braclet and think i cant wast my money on that. all those who spend more on clothes then on the needs of others. all who say i do have no time to do this work of charity and spend all weekend infronmt of the tv. why do you look out your window and wonder what the world is comming to when you are the reason for its shambles. yes all of you who lead "good" lives but do nothing by it i condem you by your own actions. show me the good things you do. do you sapport an needy child i a third world country. all of the cost less then the pizza you order. do you tke some time and mentor a child all for the amount of time you take watching the halph time report. no i am not perfect but i do voulinter i do give i do work at it. i am no better hen anyone esle i just cjose to give some of myself. it aint hard. say you get a cup of coffe every day at 1.50 for thirty days. that is $45. hey aint a big thing to give up. one you will have more energy not less. and it aint all that big of a thing. take that 45 and give it some ware dosnt realy matter just a cause you deam worthy. there are plaenty of them. in one year you will give 540 dollars. yeah good tax credit. lets say %50 of the us poulation about 150,000,000 people gave that much money a year ok lets say gave have that a year 405,00,000,000 to charity all for a cup of coffe. see it aint hard how much better whould the world be but no your cup of coffe is more important then anything else so you leave your kids the world you shit on and wonder why. all that needs to happen for evil to succseed is to have the good do nothing. thank you good people for being good for you legacy is that you are the cause of evil in this world. you didnt speek up you didnt try you just let it go. this is your legacy dont even start wining for you made it yourself so shut up or put up. |
| Saturday, February 26th, 2005 |
| 10:11 pm |
truth
it is a funny thing the truth. allways soght and shunded when not whanted, incedntly is most of the time. i have this nasty habbit of telling the truthabout everything save what i am feeling. oh must of the time i give one of those awnsers that is close to but not quite the truth. why do i curl up inside of my slef and lemnt asking no help and slowly die bit by bit. i have commit a sin so long ago that to most it never exsisted but to me who knwo and understands the truth never can i make the fog of disalushonment settle on my memory. if there is a way to damn oneself i have done so. i in my infint wisdom and my fear of failure have hurt not only my self the only i love and damd the next gen of my family so that ever more the line of my family that was saposed to come from the middle son will be never more. how one disition one moment of fear one day of turing form all i new and run and here i stand cursed in all i do. i cures this mind of mine i cures the day i asked god for wisdom i cures everything i kjnow. i wish i could drift off into stupidity and not kow anylonger. but my cures is set i will ever more know everones path where they will go and how it will end . but my cures lies in knowing how it was saposed to be and how it will now be becuse of my sin. yes gods loves me yes i love him. but i knwo the truth of who i am and what i have done and no i do not love me |
| Thursday, February 24th, 2005 |
| 12:36 am |
so long fare well it is time to go to bed. Current Mood:  sleepy |
| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005 |
| 12:09 am |
yes another day has past me
by. i feel no older yet i know i am. the passing of time goes
unroconised for so long then as if for some reason over night we wake
up and crash your not youung or the same person anymore. as if it never
happened untill you arived. but step by step you get there little by
little. if we should say where did it go or i never knew then i pitty
you. for you took to lightly the gifts besowed upon you. youth te
ultimate gift that never is aprciated and off shucked aside at first
chance. wake up rel;ise that today not your dreams is the blessing you
have yes it is tuff yes it sucks but do not confuse that for a cures.
you who are more blessed then all who came befor you think that this
silght bit of work is a cures awke thy mind and throw off the binds of
stupidity and lazzness and grasp every second with furver. let not this
day go without finding the truwe beuty within. fear of today leads to
fear of tomarrow. do not forget do not go quitly into the night. your
life will be forever squanderd if not lived for today. and tomarrow
when all is gone and the wrikles outnumber the smoth spots on your face
do not say i wish or why me for you chose the path of ok or good not
the path of the best and thew wind shall whip around you chilling your
ever bone to the core with its ferosity. the winfd of time lost never
to be reganed that is what will wisper insults in your ear at night and
tount you all day long till ytou are no more never rembered and
forgoten long befor you wastedinto the night. you shall see your demise
and tremble. life will be your hell and nothing no rope no latter no
steps shall be granted unto you. alone you will be and your screams
stiffled in your trougt. good bye and good ridance. witch one are you
the good or the best. Current Mood:  enraged |
| Monday, February 21st, 2005 |
| 1:55 am |
 You are one of the few out there whose wings are truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and divine, you are one blessed with a certain cosmic grace. You are unequalled in peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of Light your wings are massive and a soft white or silver. Countless feathers grace them and radiate the light within you for all the world to see. You are a defender, protector, and caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver of the wrong, chances are you are taken advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often. But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in everyone and so this mistreatment does not make you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will try to help misguided souls find themselves and peace. However not all Angelics allow themselves to be gotten the better of - the Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting for the sake of Justice and protection of those less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever change - the world needs more people like you. Image Copyright Sheila Wolk (prints available through treefreegreetings.com) - words added by myself. *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* brought to you by Quizilla |
| 1:43 am |
gone is today here is tomarrow just as dark and lothsome as yesterday. soon the sun shall rise and i will begin another jurny to and from all things given taken and cursed. to day is yeterday and our feuture has allready past us by. this day this time i shall make a change just as soon as i finish my rutine. |
| Saturday, February 19th, 2005 |
| 10:44 pm |
another day
disire is a per plexing thing. is it of the mind or of the body. is there even a split between the 2. i desire to know god and undersatnd his will but is that me or something that conrtolls me. did i ever have a choice. did i cease to have a choice after i choose god or did gos choose me even befor i was born. to run and ever be throw back by this buingie cord of gods or to stay and do his will one way or the other i will do his will.so thewre for do i have a choice or am i to stubbern becuse i choose so long ago that i have forgoten what it was like befor i ever gave him the rains. and in the one choice do i seese to have any choice here after. so be it i love go dwith all of my heart and know in the end he is all there ever was and all there ever will be. |
| Friday, February 18th, 2005 |
| 12:14 am |
this night
as i sit heara gazing into my life as i do most nights and wonder why and how. most of it is simple. the how is small steps the little ones that dont seem like much that has found me past the horizen from where i started. my favorit proverb has allways been "a jurny of a thousand miles starts with a single step". i dotn know much when it realy come down to it. yeah i know how to bend and pretend but how much does that meen. so i survived and strugle for something better. but what is it to survive . just to contiue on past this piont or is it better to have lived short and to be said to not have survied but truly lived or contiune like i do and not said to live. there is not muchg in this world i dream for but for some reason it has all been striped away from me. wher i shall go and who shall ilead down with me these are the q's i wish to know. i do not know where i tres or where it goes the path less travled might be cioned but i shall say the one oft feared and never trod is whwere you will find me.but finding a gost in the night might be a hard thing. Current Mood:  nostalgic |
| Tuesday, February 15th, 2005 |
| 11:04 pm |
to begin
as many will know or find out i do not seem to be able to spell or my thoguths get jumbled. but as this is and will be a stream of contiones. well at least one of the many i have. born physicly on sept 18 1980 in the us. but spent a good deal out of it as well. reborn metaly every day. sailing and youth are my patation how ever you spell it. all things in life there is one that is first god. some days it will be deep other just the surface. i enjoy being an ingma. and hate the anonimaty. forever young at heart and old in mind. will never know anything greater then my first love or my last for they are one and the same. Current Mood: artistic |
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